Cascading Tears
by blurs of red and blonde
Summary: She betrayed him and he can't forgive her-or can he? / Set in the last chapter of Fall of Night. ClaireMyrnin


This is set in the last few pages of Fall of Night, so unless you want to be spoiled for some of the events, don't read on.

If you do, it's your own fault.

(and, sadly, it's AU)

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Ever since she did it, ever since she betrayed Myrnin's trust and had Dr Anderson shoot him with _her_ weapon, she's felt nothing but uncontrollable guilt. There have been other emotions too, it would be impossible for there not to be, but underneath everything the past few days has made her feel, there's the feeling that she's done something terrible. And she has; she can't deny that. She can't deny that she betrayed potentially the only man who would never do anything to hurt her, and that she knows, for the first time, she's shocked him beyond belief. He never believed that she would do something like this, that she'd be capable of selling him to the woman who possessed the one thing which could destroy him as easy as pulling a trigger.

And she's never felt so bad for doing something in her entire life.

Shane's asleep in the other bed in the room, his gentle snores not bringing as much comfort to Claire as they used to do. Ever since he didn't believe her when Michael kissed her, she's been unable to wholly trust him, to wholly accept that he loves her—if he could ignore her denials of the situation then, how many more times could he manage it in the future? She knows that she should forgive him, that he wants nothing more than to gain her trust absolutely once again, but she doesn't think that it's possible to get back to where they were before Naomi addled Michael's mind. It's too hard for her to forget something which almost tore her apart.

After trying to sleep for over an hour, Claire finally gives up on the tossing and turning she doesn't want to be trapped in the bed anymore. She wants to roam the land around this motel and gather her thoughts, crying away as much of the guilt today has brought—and anticipate the arrival of a fresh wave the moment that she sees Myrnin tomorrow. Her pain and guilt has to be disguised as much as possible, so that the perceptive people around her don't recognise that something's wrong with her and ask her what's wrong. It's too hard for her to lie nowadays, especially to Shane, and part of her doesn't _want_ to lie.

Part of her wants the world around her to know how she feels about the man she betrayed.

Throughout the past few days, Myrnin has avoided her, always ensuring that he's in the other car to her, and it hurts. Every time she sees him walking out of a room at the same time as she walks in, she wonders whether he's leaving because he knew she was coming in. When she calls him to let him know that Shane's stopping the car for fuel, it's always Oliver or Jesse who answers Myrnin's phone. Whilst she knows that she doesn't have the right to feel jealous of Jesse, she does, because she shares a past with Myrnin that Claire will never have the chance to experience—and whilst they've got their own memories in Morganville, the tenderness to Myrnin's voice when he said, _"are you hurt, Lady Grey?"_ in Pete's home, makes Claire think that he still feels something for her…and that the feelings he has subtly professed to her are nothing in comparison to that.

Wrapping a scarf around her neck and fastening her jacket, Claire slips as silently as possible out of the bedroom, careful not to wake Shane as she does so. She doesn't want him knowing she's going off to think; as far as he's aware, she's doing absolutely fine with nothing to worry about. That's not a fact she wants to change.

Outside the motel, Claire begins to pace, deciding the car park and nearby grassed area are probably the safest places for her to stay in. They're close enough to her friends that she has a security blanket incase anything happens to her; they're far enough away so that she can think without worrying that she's being watched by anyone from their room windows.

As she walks, she cries; tears stream down her face as she remembers in excruciating detail about what she did, about how she betrayed Myrnin for almost no gain. All she got out of it was seeing him as a monster at the farm, and that's something she's trying to forget. He's a monster underneath, she knows that; she prefers to just forget.

And then she hears a voice—the voice she hasn't heard in days, the voice she almost never wanted to hear again.

"It's not safe to be out alone, Claire." Myrnin doesn't sound like himself; he sounds neutral, as though he barely knows Claire. It almost breaks her heart until she remembers that she's already done that herself. "You should know that better than almost anyone."

She shrugs, shaking her head. "Why bother with safety? It's not as though we're in Morganville!" Throwing her arms in the air, Claire sighs, unsure what to say or do: does she apologise and risk him leaving again, or does she just wait for him to take the next step, to make the decision what she does?

Myrnin sighs, taking a step closer to Claire, revealing his features within the weak moonlight. Before, Claire realises, he was standing in the dark shadows left by the building; now, she can see who she is talking to.

"Don't be so silly," he comments, finally sounding a little like the man she knows. "There is always a danger, Claire; vampires do not construe the only threat to your life. I thought that your time outside of town had made you recollect that fact." His tone becomes sharper by the end, and it's as if he has to remind himself that he's angry and hurt with her; things aren't the same as they were before.

"I suppose you're right," Claire replies slowly, hesitancy slipping into her voice. She's scared of Myrnin in a way she's never been before; he's never been betrayed by her before, after all, or been hurt beyond belief by her actions. This is a first for the both of them—and she doesn't know how he's going to react. "Um, well, er…" she trails off, not sure what to say.

His expression is a mixture of every emotion under the sun: pain, anger, misery, desire—and it's everything that Claire feels, also.

Before she can say anything, he's taken her arm and is walking with her towards thee nd of the car park, away from the motel. The wave of fear that had ran through her when she saw his expression disappears; he wouldn't hurt her, she's certain.

(At least, _her_ Myrnin wouldn't hurt her.)

When he stops, Claire finds herself with a wall against her back, Myrnin standing in front of her. He takes a step back so that she feels less like captured prey, and the movement takes him once again back into the harsh light of the moon. It's more luminous than the sun against his features, causing his pallid skin to almost glow and highlighting the shadows even more clearly upon his face.

"I'm sorry," she blurts out, when it becomes clear that he _is_ going to wait for her to start. He knows that she, in part, came out of the room so that she could talk to him, therefore talk to him she shall. "I didn't want to—you have to believe me, it hurt me more than anything to tell her that you were there—but…I had no choice. To get to the bottom of the issue, I had to sell you out. I understand if you can't forgive me…but it was the only way."

His dark eyes observe her continually, not even shutting for him to blink, and Claire finds herself mesmerised in them, as she had so often been before. He could do anything to her now through compulsion and she would willingly do it; she knows he won't, though. Long ago, he swore never to use that power on her, and even with the broken boundaries between them, she's certain that he would never stoop to that level.

And then he's moving closer to her, and the proximity gives Claire a chance to really read his emotions; he's hurt, barely containing the tears which threaten to cascade down his cheeks, and he still can't understand her actions. Or perhaps, Claire thinks, he doesn't want to. "I could have _destroyed_ her, Claire! I could have won and we could have saved the others so much more quickly than we managed it! But you chose to play a game which threatened everyone's lives…and I can't understand why."

A new bout of tears fall down Claire's cheeks and she's half-expecting Myrnin to wipe them away, as he has done many times before. He doesn't, though; he's immobile as he waits for her to explain herself. "It was impromptu thinking, Myrnin, something I'm sure you've had much experience with," she replies, throwing as much bitterness into her tone as she feels she can get away with. "I distinctly recall you _tying me to a chair_ because I was what Magnus wanted!"

The hurt look in Myrnin's eyes takes a backseat in comparison to the sudden flare of anger Claire can spot. "I did wonder if you would try and use this as vindication for my previous actions," he replies quietly, a steely undertone to his voice. "If that is the way you wish to play it, that is perfectly fine, Claire. You need not return to my laboratory when we return to Morganville."

Anger bursts through Claire also, but she bites it back. She can tell that he's about to give up and walk away, for her never to be friends with again probably, and she can't have that; she _needs_ him, after all. "No!" she blurts out. "I'm not going to say that it isn't because of that, but that wasn't the main reason. I don't care if you don't believe me because it's the truth and I wouldn't lie to you now, Myrnin, I promise."

She can tell that he believes her because the anger fades once again, as quickly as it sparked, and the forlorn expression returns to Myrnin's face. The next tear that falls down Claire's cheek he does wipe away with his finger and his hand remains on her face. She doesn't try and shake it off; she doesn't want to. "I believe you," he says quietly. "Yet that doesn't change the fact that you left me for dead. I…it hurt me more than anything anyone has ever done to me before has done, Claire. I don't mean to impose my feelings on you—but concurrently, I do."

Claire nods slowly, tilting her head ever so slightly so that she is leaning into Myrnin's hand, hopefully showing that she does need him. "I have never wanted to hurt you—and I know that every day that I'm with Shane does," she replies, suddenly taking the conversation down a different route than previously intended. "I want to change that; I want you to be happy and I want to be happy…that's all I've ever wanted."

A look of hope spasms across Myrnin's face before it has gone again, replaced with pain and regret. "And yet you cannot fulfil my request for happiness because that would mean destroying your own." Myrnin's own tears spill down his cheeks now, and he removes his hand from Claire's face to wipe them away himself. The movement allows the cold air to rush at Claire's exposed skin and she shivers slightly, unable to help herself. "I will admit to you now, Claire: I never felt as alone or hurt as I did when you called out that I was next to Doctor Anderson. I thought that we could take her down, _together_; that was the plan, wasn't it? You distracting her and I removing the weapon…it would have worked. And yet you didn't allow it to reach the final stage. _Why_?" he's broken now, Claire can tell, and this is what she almost wanted to see. She wanted to see how much she means to him before she decides whether or not to break his heart or Shane's.

That isn't her only reason, of course; she wanted to know that he wasn't milking the situation and that he wasn't playing on her feelings to make her feel guilty. He isn't. Claire can tell he truly feels as though she betrayed him, and even that she hates him.

She doesn't, not in the slightest.

"Myrnin," Claire says softly, taking a step closer to Myrnin so that she's no longer against the wall. She lifts one hand to wipe away a tear from his left eye, a slight smile sliding onto her face; it's usually the other way around, him taking care of her. "You have to believe me, I did _not_ mean for you to be hurt. I never wanted you to be anything other than safe. It almost killed me to have to tell her that you were there, but it was the only option I could think of to ensure that we all made it home. I was scared, Myrnin, and you weren't able to tell me what to do. I needed you—and in that moment, the plan didn't seem to work.

"I did what I did because I didn't want you to be hurt. I know it doesn't seem logical, especially since I knew the pain you would be under when you were hit by that weapon, but it was the only solution I had." She takes a deep breath, clearing her own voice of tears, before continuing. "But that's the last time I'm going to apologise. There's only so many times you can say it before it becomes repetitive and untrue; I don't want that to happen. I don't want us to live in the past."

His eyes blaze for a moment, an indignation that she's making the rules, but then he nods, his lips curving slightly. They don't form a smile, but it's the closest thing that Claire has seen from him in days. "I understand."

They have so many more things to discuss, and yet Claire doesn't know how to form her _true_ apology, to form the words that explain why she is so destroyed over what she did. She doesn't want to apologise again but she wants to explain to him about how just wretched it made her feel to have to betray her best friend, her everything, the person she thinks that she wants because he needs her just as much as she needs him.

And the only way she can think of is to kiss him.

He must know what she's going to do and he could move away if he wants to—but he doesn't. Myrnin allows her to press her lips against his, to send everything that she's feeling through their connection into him: her deep regret, her absolute need for him, her desire for their futures to be entwined more intricately than they already are.

And yet she also feels his emotions: his anger at her betrayal, his hurting at what she did, even his feelings when he was under the influence of the gun—the memories of everything bad that has ever happened to him, the jealousy he feels when he sees Claire with Shane…she feels everything.

She wonders how he manages to be quite so sane with so many soul destroying memories contained within him.

Their bodies curve together, and as the time passes, the bad memories start to fade, replaced instead by an enjoyment at their current position; his hands pull her closer to him, hers tangle in the many locks which frame his face to pull him down to her height. And here they stand, locked into an embrace which shares their emotions far more clearly than tangled words and misinterpreted metaphors could ever manage, for an immeasurable period of time, until Claire finally pulls away.

"Do you understand what I'm asking?" she questions, slightly breathless in her request. Myrnin nods without a word, and Claire feels herself beginning to grin. "Good…but it also means that nothing else can happen until we're back in Morganville. Is that ok?"

"If it means I can be with you, my sweet, I would wait as long as you need," Myrnin replies, his voice lower than Claire can remember it being all evening. His lips press against her nose for a moment, his breath cool on her face. "I understand your actions Claire…and if I had been you, I would have done something much worse."

She draws back, confused. "What would you have done?"

His expression is dark. "I would have killed all of us, so that I could go about my life in peace from the world I left behind. And yet you didn't. I owe my life to you many times over, Claire Danvers. I just hope that I will be able to repay you in the future."

Claire doesn't reply to this; she merely kisses him again, a smile on both of their lips as they connect, until she feels the embrace of tiredness fall over her.

He walks her back to her room, ensuring that she's inside and the door is locked before he returns to his own room, avoiding the comments from Oliver as he climbs into bed to relive the memories of the last hour or two.

The feeling of guilt within Claire is no longer present as she tucks herself into her bed, Shane no longer snoring to distract her from her thoughts. As she falls to sleep, she can only recall his words that he forgives her—and that he loves her.

As she dreams, she dreams of the future they have to share in Morganville.

(It's just a shame that it won't happen.)

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